Understanding Separate Realities and Irritations in Relationships
- Pransky & Associates
- Jan 16
- 3 min read
Excerpts from Unbreak Your Heart
"You don’t want to assume that your partner thinks the same way that you do but often couples at odds with each other do exactly that. It just doesn’t occur to them that their disagreements are not personal to them but are just because they each are acting from their own personal reality. So, one partner might think, it is so obvious that we should do things this way and they become very upset their partner doesn’t do things the way that they see things, but their partner might have a totally different idea of how things should be done. They don’t understand that their partner thinks differently about the situation. And when it does occur to them, they often think the other person is wrong and that they're right." (Chapter Four: Separate Realities, Page 30)
"Another way to look at this is that we often see our bother completely on the other person. But the truth is that somebody else may not find your partner’s behavior irritating. If you can see this, it can help you to see the innocence in your mate. In other words, if you're annoyed with your partner's behavior, it's your thinking about it that creates the feeling of annoyance in you. Your judgmental thinking that people should or shouldn’t be a certain way is more under your control than the behavior of your partner." (Chapter Six: Irritations, Page 50)
In relationships, it’s easy to feel frustrated when your partner doesn’t see things the same way you do. This disconnect often leads to conflict, with each person convinced their perspective is the correct one. In Unbreak Your Heart, Linda and George Pransky explain how these moments of misunderstanding stem from what they call "separate realities."
Understanding Separate Realities
Every person filters the world through their own experiences, beliefs, and thoughts. While one partner might feel their way of doing things is "obviously right," the other sees the situation entirely differently. Neither perspective is more valid than the other—they’re simply different.
"It just doesn’t occur to them that their disagreements are not personal to them but are just because they each are acting from their own personal reality."
Recognizing separate realities doesn’t mean you’ll always agree, but it does create space for understanding. When you realize that your partner’s perspective isn’t a personal attack but simply their way of seeing the world, it becomes easier to approach disagreements with compassion rather than defensiveness.
Letting Go of Irritations
Another source of conflict in relationships comes from the judgmental thoughts we hold about our partner’s behavior. The irritation you feel is not caused by your partner—it’s caused by your own thinking about their actions.
"If you're annoyed with your partner's behavior, it's your thinking about it that creates the feeling of annoyance in you."
This insight is powerful because it shifts the focus from trying to control or change your partner to understanding your own reaction. Someone else might not find the same behavior irritating, which shows that the annoyance comes from within you, not from the behavior itself.
By recognizing this, you can begin to see your partner’s behavior with more neutrality and even find their "innocence" in situations that once caused frustration. This isn’t about ignoring problems, but about creating space for empathy and understanding, which often leads to greater connection.
A Path to Greater Understanding
When you stop assuming your partner thinks the same way you do and let go of judgmental thoughts, your relationship has room to grow. Recognizing separate realities and taking responsibility for your reactions fosters a deeper sense of connection and mutual respect.
Want to explore these insights further? Order Unbreak Your Heart today and discover how understanding separate realities and letting go of irritations can transform your relationship.
